How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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