new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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