11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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