You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
But theres a keg here and me gusta
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
