Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
