Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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