it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you traded sex for a burrito?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
