hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I AM VODKA MAN
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
