the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
