dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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