I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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