yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
