Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
