I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
