i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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