My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
