Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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