You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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