I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I want her autograph on my taint
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
