She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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