I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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