My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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