There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
