today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
