I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
