i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
