Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
