I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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