The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
