The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
