I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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