i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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