dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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