Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
