Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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