I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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