apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
