theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
