I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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