He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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