my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
