Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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