i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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