I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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