By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
