Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
