I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
