Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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