I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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