ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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