my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
