Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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